Tonight I had my first "oh, no, I can't do this" moment. (This, of course, being nursing.) I've heard about these from fellow students as well as practicing nurses, but I never thought I'd feel that way myself. Silly me. It's funny - you'd think that type of moment would happen when I was giving an IV medication that could kill someone if I did it wrong. Or maybe I'd have that moment when I was cleaning up poo for the third time in an hour. Or when I was observing in the OR, watching as the surgeon lifted someone's intestines out of their rightful place in the abdomen.
Nope. It happened while I was lying in bed, thinking of my friends and family. I know some stuff now. In a year and a half I'll know more. After a few years of practicing as a nurse, I'll know a lot. But what if something happens before then? What if I'm with a diabetic friend, and they're going into diabetic ketoacidosis, and somehow I don't recognize it? What if I'm with a relative, and they have a heart attack? What if I can't save them? What if I should have been able to?
It scares the hell out of me.
That being said, I'm happy to report that my moment passed, and I'm feeling much better. But I now understand why, a few years ago, my friend's husband felt so much guilt for not recognizing her abdominal pain symptoms as cholecystitis. He's a nurse. It's an easy job to bring home. Unfortunately, shy of making everyone I care about wear helmets and face masks daily, stop riding in vehicles, and switch to a lean, low sodium, fish-fruits-and-veggies diet, I'm not sure I can prevent the possibility of things happening to them. I'll have to do the best I can with the situations I find myself in, and trust that the knowledge I'm gaining now will serve me when I need it the most.
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